journal entry 5/18…

i feel like i’m dying…

today.. well most of the week, but especially today i took some well needed time & honesty to reflect. once i made it to the destination. i made the discovery. i feel like i’m dying. do not be alarm nor worry. just follow me as i explain.

i had been dancing with my mind. the stories it tells me. the reality of something’s. allowing logic to be an excuse because i can relate more than forcing the confrontation of holding someone accountable so that they maybe able to reflect on your actions. allowing myself to be what everyone needed. but i can’t figure out what i need from me.

then i think. how do they see me? who am i? some see me in the best light. thank y’all who see me in that manner. especially those who do so accepting flaws & all. for others not too bad not too joyous. then there are those who just put the label on you as bad/toxic & move on. i wonder why that matters to us, well to me. as much as one can say that it doesn’t. it does. especially when it’s coming from someone we value & love.

from there thought more about my actions. am i living how i want? or have i become consumed by society norms & others value systems & morals? am i doing this so no one will have nothing to say? to keep my body count down? (haha). am i doing it to impress or really express myself? like what is it…

the more i thought. i sadder i became. because i felt so guilty for being myself. as much as i think i communicate myself honestly & effectively. don’t forget the more optimistic side of the road kinda girl. but i have flaws. i avoid certain conversations to avoid confrontation. i hate the energy of how something simple becomes so big & can’t even be discussed because too much ego & pride. not enough honesty, communication, & accountability.

i am quick to say fuck it. or this won’t/work or last. but truly somethings i want that for. but you become accustomed to what you know, accept, & settle for. i wanted to be so empty & cold you could get frostbite from being near me. but honestly my love, concern, & care runs deep & is real. especially when it comes to those i love. i can be clingy but i understand space is needed & desired. i care to know who you really are. love to communicate all day with you if i can. i want to trust & feel safe with those who i invite into my life. i hate that people take advantage of that side because they won’t take the time to see me. they only see me how they want me to be for them.

it’s hard to forgive yourself for what you didn’t know. feels even worse when you knew but you allowed yourself to believe things for your own selfish gain. it’s a process but an exhausting one but process nonetheless.

it feels like i’m dying because i don’t feel how i once felt. i’m only doing things to impress myself. i going to be me. live. out loud. in color. because i choose to do so. if you can journey with me as i take another journey with myself, i truly welcome the real love & acceptance. by all means share it with me. if it’s a bit much, it’s okay no pressure. but the old me has to die. so i can become the better woman that i desire to be ☺️

just getting out these quarantine thoughts while healing some wounds. hopefully it’s inspiring or entertaining. may peace & love be with you 💙

deja

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s