journal entry 5/18…

i feel like i’m dying…

today.. well most of the week, but especially today i took some well needed time & honesty to reflect. once i made it to the destination. i made the discovery. i feel like i’m dying. do not be alarm nor worry. just follow me as i explain.

i had been dancing with my mind. the stories it tells me. the reality of something’s. allowing logic to be an excuse because i can relate more than forcing the confrontation of holding someone accountable so that they maybe able to reflect on your actions. allowing myself to be what everyone needed. but i can’t figure out what i need from me.

then i think. how do they see me? who am i? some see me in the best light. thank y’all who see me in that manner. especially those who do so accepting flaws & all. for others not too bad not too joyous. then there are those who just put the label on you as bad/toxic & move on. i wonder why that matters to us, well to me. as much as one can say that it doesn’t. it does. especially when it’s coming from someone we value & love.

from there thought more about my actions. am i living how i want? or have i become consumed by society norms & others value systems & morals? am i doing this so no one will have nothing to say? to keep my body count down? (haha). am i doing it to impress or really express myself? like what is it…

the more i thought. i sadder i became. because i felt so guilty for being myself. as much as i think i communicate myself honestly & effectively. don’t forget the more optimistic side of the road kinda girl. but i have flaws. i avoid certain conversations to avoid confrontation. i hate the energy of how something simple becomes so big & can’t even be discussed because too much ego & pride. not enough honesty, communication, & accountability.

i am quick to say fuck it. or this won’t/work or last. but truly somethings i want that for. but you become accustomed to what you know, accept, & settle for. i wanted to be so empty & cold you could get frostbite from being near me. but honestly my love, concern, & care runs deep & is real. especially when it comes to those i love. i can be clingy but i understand space is needed & desired. i care to know who you really are. love to communicate all day with you if i can. i want to trust & feel safe with those who i invite into my life. i hate that people take advantage of that side because they won’t take the time to see me. they only see me how they want me to be for them.

it’s hard to forgive yourself for what you didn’t know. feels even worse when you knew but you allowed yourself to believe things for your own selfish gain. it’s a process but an exhausting one but process nonetheless.

it feels like i’m dying because i don’t feel how i once felt. i’m only doing things to impress myself. i going to be me. live. out loud. in color. because i choose to do so. if you can journey with me as i take another journey with myself, i truly welcome the real love & acceptance. by all means share it with me. if it’s a bit much, it’s okay no pressure. but the old me has to die. so i can become the better woman that i desire to be ☺️

just getting out these quarantine thoughts while healing some wounds. hopefully it’s inspiring or entertaining. may peace & love be with you 💙

deja

four.twenty.thoughts…

as i sit next to him…

i wonder who is he. how did we get here?

look at those eyes. look at that smile…

fuck i’m a sucker for it.

damn. how did we get here?

i wonder who is he texting?

who else is he sexing?

is it me like he say or is it all a facade created to cater to my ego & to his favor?

when we lay, am i really where you want to be?

we have fun together.

we laugh together.

we’ve share moments together.

but what does any of that mean?

are we simply enjoying each other’s time in the moment?

are we working toward a forever type ending?

where do we stand?

how does it end?

sometimes i wonder, is it worth it?

yes i am happy.

this thing makes me smile.

but also boils my blood & makes me cry.

i wonder if he ever wonders what i’m doing?

what i’m thinking.

how i feel?

if my needs for certain levels of affection drive me outside of us.

as i sit.

i appreciate life as it is.

-deja

hey. here i go…

where have i been…

it’s been a minute so let me see if i still got it…

in truth, i been living life. it’s a lot that has been happening & i been making my way through it as best as i can. i can say that this time of life in the last few months has shown me that just when i think that i have mastered something it is taught to me at another level that requires me to be better than i was before. to rise above my ego even more. like oh brother here we go…

i have to take responsibility & say that i have made this commitment to myself. better myself daily. approach life in a manner that allows you to embrace the harsh cold reality but to still find the beauty & peace within.

with all that comes vulnerability. when i say it is so terrifying yet rewarding in its own beautiful ways. if you’re anything like me, confrontation isn’t my thing because i always am attempting to mindful of how i speak. because i am aware that words mean things. so i attempt to mean what i say. sometimes i fail, but it provides me a lesson & strength going forward. so when i confront anything or address it i have to expose my “crazy”. my insecurities. my past. my shame.

trust me love, it is ass in every way. most times i am met with disregard. excuses. disrespect. aggression. avoidance.

talk about shit. like here i go, exposing who i am to be met with that… truthfully avoiding it & letting it go is instant response. just to avoid the confrontation. even more so to avoid showing my emotions. my feelings. the fact that i really cared. & to be met like that. shit feels like a different level of hurt.

but i have learned that the response to avoid it does not teach me or better me anyway. not saying that things have to be worked out or reconciled but gaining an understanding of what actually happened & going forward how to approach or discontinue the kinship is always helpful. it is not at all necessary. sometimes it won’t be available to you. at times you have to make peace within & continue to be a better you.

it has been a struggle. i have never craved sleep so much in my life honey!! but as life turns & continues, daily finding balance & peace. tinkering with ideas but remaining as honest & transparent with myself. when i do it with self it transcends in all relationships i have. which is beautiful & a blessing to me. hopefully it inspires or sparks something within those i encounter.

so that’s where i been. hopefully all who have taken the time to read this are blessed in all aspects of life & you continue to grow as the beautiful energies you are.

peace. love. joy. blessings. happiness.

-deja 💙

hopefully this finds you well…

..how do i begin this… to be honest i’m in a state of shock & appreciation. & it feels really amazing. with the decade & year closing out, so much internal self auditing has been occurring within myself just to see where i am & how i feel.
i have learned a lot about myself & it’s beautiful in its own way. knowing that leads me in a direction of creating & maintaining relationships that allow my unique beauty to be admired, possibly inspired. but not judged.
learning & practicing to be vulnerable & honest. separating my ego from what is reality. understanding that if truth is to be obtained, be prepared. because it comes unfiltered. & that’s okay. processing feelings & emotions from the inner child. learning that forgiveness, acceptance, & moving on is more freeing than one will know.
it’s been a lot. shit. grab the drinks & cannabis & celebrate to overcoming all placed before us. i’m so happy & proud of how far not only myself but those who surround me have come. knowing that we support one another & value the friendships we’ve made is so refreshing. to know that you have a tribe that supports you warms the heart.
so love openly, freely, & happily. express it in the manners that work for you two. live for you. not the opinions or suggestions of others. live for your happiness. be considerate of those you love & who love you in return. self love is key. learn to enjoy your own company.
define what is love in your own terms. share those words when you find yourself feeling them with whomever. appreciate peace & learn that most things that interfere with it are not worth the hassle.
so hopefully this finds you well & it gives you something…
much love
many blessings
deja

8am

if we being honest…

i miss the person i fell in love with. i miss how we use to talk & text throughout the day. i miss just being around you for the peace & laughter. i felt safe with you. i felt good with you which was a rarity for me.

i thought honesty is where we stood. i kept nothing from you. i thought that was a gift that was reciprocated. i thought that in sharing our truths we were creating a foundation. the time we spent together was like no time i’ve spent with a person before.

the goofy flirting. the passion & desire to have one another. falling asleep in your arms. i even remember how warm my heart felt. you telling me how you would watch me sleep. waking up hot because you were breathing up against the back of my neck.

days felt warmer. air felt cleaner. long as you were here on the voyage with me. it was all i needed. i felt like i had discovered someone who appreciated me for me as i appreciated them for them. support each other’s dreams & healing.

damn. just to see that person is long gone & to stare in the eyes of someone you don’t know anymore. the person who cared to understand now cares less or not at all. often makes you wonder. but i will cherish what warmed my heart & eased my spirit as guidance with discernment so that i can love more & better.

many blessings to you all 💙

peace. happiness. love.

deja

currently as i sit…

so much has happened. like life is really happening. but today i’m in a better space. i had the pleasure of sharing some real emotions & my friend took the time to walk me through them. from personal experience & a place of love. it’s such a wonderful feeling to be loved by people. not necessarily in a romantic way. but in the way of genuine concern. someone rooting for you no matter what. but also providing an uncomfortable truth that one may not want to hear. my friends have always been so solid with me. even on my darkest days. they remind me of the work, growth, & beauty in who i’m becoming. they adapt with the changes i am making with myself. they never hold me to my former self. they accept the growth & evolution than wanting to hold me hostage to a space where i was not fully equipped to handle things how i handle them now. they allow me to freely be me. they love me for me. whether i’m an annoying ray of sunshine that they are happy to see. or when i am tornado in the severe thunderstorm. they never judge me for my bad days. they allow me time to process & accountable for the choices i made. nothing is forced. everything just naturally flows with them. & i am thankful & truly appreciative for that. they all balance me & it fills me up on the days where my cup is empty. so to all my friends, thank you & i love you.

teach them well…

children fascinate me. not in a i want kids way (giggles) but in a way that is legitimately interesting & entertaining to me. i do not want children of my own, just a personal decision i made awhile ago & it works for me. i am however blessed to be an aunt of some of the most amazing little people ever. they are my favorite type of people. they are unedited & unfiltered people who are learning as we all are.

with the lovely pleasure of being an aunt, i get to tap a toe in the water in regards to children being around on a more constant basis. between them & the innocent gems that my friends have, kids are a true hoot. no matter how much they can stomp on a nerve & i do mean do a mean routine that will drive most insane, remember to be patient.

now i am no expert by an means. but, what i will say to the lovely parents or as an involved & instrumental figure in a child’s life, please fill them with love & affection & understanding. they should learn it at home with you in my opinion.

now what i mean by that is stop chastising children for things that they are unaware or unfamiliar with. when i hear people say, “put that baby down. they just want somebody to hold them, ain’t nothing wrong” but how are you so sure? most times as an adult, if i am safe & not in harms way by any means & i am crying, it’s due to my emotions. something has triggered me. not because i’m spoiled. not because nothing is absolutely bothering me. again i am not an expert.

don’t call them spoiled or cry baby, take time to learn what’s not feeling good. don’t compare & contrast them based on complexion. allow them to see how beauty is within us all in one manner or another. don’t allow them to fear talking to you. you can learn a lot from children if you allow them to talk. don’t allow your traumas from live be poured into them. don’t allow all the negativity that lives within this society we live in to infect them. inform them about the troubles of the world but don’t teach them to be afraid of it.

teach them how to handle these difficult times if certain things are to occur & how to appreciate the small beauties in life. get them counseling if needed. mental illness is a real thing. they don’t always “grow out of it” take the time to invest in something that you crafted & created.

as an individual who has gone to therapy (highly recommend it to ALL) & is currently working on parenting the inner child, it is tough. start now with your babies.

now please do understand i have had one of the best parenting systems & experience with my mom (in my opinion but i’m biased lol) but there were still things unbeknownst to her that still need to be addressed within me. she does the best job that she can, even currently by staying involved & communicating.

i say all this to say, love on your munchkins. nurture them even when it hurts. even when you tired. even when you think it’s nonsense. this can be a cold world & children learn that from an early stage of life. make sure you equip them best way you know how without making your shit, they shit.

& parents y’all continue to make this world a better place by nurturing up compassionate & healthy children. the world will thank you for that.

with love

deja 💙

•peace & blessings babes•

something for the homies…

i just had the comforting feeling of i know i am moving in a beautiful direction. having dinners with my friends helped me to realize that.
it’s so important (i believe) to surround yourself with genuine people who love you & embrace you at all times. those people who don’t judge. those who rather tell you about the painful life lessons than to witness you experience it (nah gotta break my own heart lol but thanks for the warning). those who you laugh for hours with & internally feel your spirit jump with glee & joy. those who will be there when you are at your low & will sit with you while the tears fall but also will not allow you to stay in that place too long.
when you think it can’t get any better, then y’all pour life into one another. (mini praise break). to have friends who surround you & pour into you that affirm things that you feel but to hear them spoken & have not mentioned it to them will hit different. to be in-tune with them spiritually that sometimes words are truly not needed at times to communicate with them. to feel safe & secure no matter how bad times maybe they don’t fold nor bend.
to have those who not only acknowledge but respect the boundaries that you set for your mental space & do not try to change your view. true enough they will give an opinion but that’s people but they accept the choices you make for your life. they will send good intentions into the universe for you. they will encourage the positive in life & not dwell on the negative. they give life a refreshing breeze.
to all my friends that have seen me in all the dysfunctional stages of life & emotion (yuck lol kidding) thus far, i want to thank you for not only being what i need you to be (which is yourself) but for all that we share. from conversations, laughs, tears, joys, hurt, & victories. you all add something extra to this life i have & i thank you, love you, & most importantly appreciate you.
hopefully this inspires you to reflect or start a conversation. who knows but hopefully it brings a smile & some peace.
with peace & blessings
love deja 💙

…the ghetto…

parenting yourself has got to be the toughest shit i have experienced. for me, parenting yourself is knowing you need to accomplish this because you’ve committed to this & not allowing your thoughts or ego cloud the commitment. yeah i know bullshit.

it’s telling yourself go to the gym, not to lose weight to physically appeal to other people but because you know that you need regular physical activity in your life in order to be healthy, if that’s a goal. it’s telling yourself ease up on the soda because you know you body flourishes & benefits off water. it’s telling yourself it’s okay to say no because you know that something does not feel good or right to you & being at peace with your no.

you see all the shit you have to be mindful of when parenting yourself? i take my hat off to those who choose to be parents because not only do you have to be mindful of yourself but the innocent life that you have to love in nurture in a chaotic world while still showing them beauty in the smallest things. i commend the people who are aware enough within themselves to respectfully say that is not a journey they want to experience in life. parenting yourself is accepting the consequences of your actions. not blaming anyone but accepting the part you played.

so to all my adults who are out here trying to enjoy the life that we have, experience joys in a manner that are within the realm of your peace, just remember that it comes with the beauty of parenting yourself. have fun. be honest to yourself without the opinion of anyone clouding your judge & knowing that your decisions are a reflection of you. not your family or friends. start living life based on who you are. those who love you truly will always love you because they will never judge you for being you. (yes they will have their opinion because you know people. but they will not abandon you for that). so live. parent. be honest. be happy.

with peace & blessings

💙 deja

what is it…?

is it truly a desire to be alone or is it avoiding the emotional connection due to past trauma?
… to be honest for myself it’s a bit of both. now on your average day after a long day at work then to turn around & possibly workout or run errands or cook dinner, peace & quiet & consuming entertainment that i enjoy alone does not bother me in the slightest. it is my space to relax & release anything that may have been dancing in & out of my thoughts throughout the day. i almost shouted because to truly enjoy your own company is a great joy for me. (just know internally a hallelujah was shouted)
now as much as i love to be alone & mind my own fucking business & tend to my own internal battles, there are times where i do find myself avoiding emotional or even conversations where interest is present. part of it is due to choices in men from the past that did not turn out to be favorable & placed this hella defensive wall around my feelings. i try not to hold others accountable for others actions but once i see something similar behavior in you or just see the lack of effort, i am kind but defensive. (trust me working on this is difficult)
outside of these men having me fucked up (kidding kidding 🙃) I just feel that i am not prepared to share my emotional space with anyone. expressing your issues to someone & expecting them to understand & be mindful of how they handle you with care seems so far fetched. maybe it’s the area. the people. either way seems as if wanting honesty, communication, comprehension, commitment, & transparency is like wanting a unicorn. but why should wanting those qualities plus finding one another attractive so hard?
i often remind myself that there is time to find that & to be patient. secure myself on my own. then because i overthink a lot (another task to tackle) i think is there enough time? how does it really play out? do i get the unicorn? see the overthinking thing lol
so yes it’s a combination of things but the main relationship that i am cultivating is the one with myself. once securing that relationship flaws & all & acceptance, you are unstoppable.
hopefully this helps you in one way or another or inspire you to have the conversation with yourself.
with love,
deja 💙
*peace & blessings loves 😘