“how do i start this? mind everywhere other than where it needs to be. maybe. i guess to envision what you feel will bring you happiness & to believe that you are so close to it & to see it fold like all the others is a blow. you tell yourself to pick yourself up. to smile beyond. to live without. & you do. you smile more & feel better about yourself because you’re not subjecting yourself to voluntarily being mistreated or hurt. but what happens now? do you let go of the vision & settle into the actual reality of being alone? do you keep the yearn within? how do you cope with wanting something that may never come… faith. it’s present but it feels faint. if my faith feels faint then it feels that it won’t be obtained. but do i give it more or less energy? to self care & self love for me is to be vulnerable, transparent, & honest & the honest truth is i know as much as i have experienced up until this moment in time.”
wow i was feeling some feels. the portion up top, is something i started writing mid month & thanks be something in my spirit told me to hold off. as i read those words today, that feeling was not the worse nor the best but more of me battling with accepting that being vulnerable comes with its own weight. it builds you up & allows you to live a little more fearless but the bumps & bruises along the way don’t always feel good. i can say in such a short time, i have started to stand in the sun of vulnerability. it ain’t always sunny but there is always guaranteed sunshine. peace & relaxation. internally that’s how i feel too. hopefully this inspires you to step into the sun more often. own how you feel & express it in healthy manners. commitment to a better me has bettered me personally in so many ways & hopefully you began or enjoy the journey.
with peace & love
i just want to say that i really appreciate the friendship we have. you & i have had some very vulnerable most transparent conversations ever & it is so refreshing to know that you trust me with you. like you don’t hide or sugarcoat shit with me. you really talk to me. you listen. we learn from one another. the energy & vibe that we share is one of a kind. you have been the sunshine & hardy laughter on some of my darkest days. it is reciprocal with you. we put in & we get out some of life’s best lessons. you taught me all about passion & affection. how it can be complex but still in its very own way make sense. you are so dope & so bomb even though you are so delicate. i appreciate that our past & life experiences did not disrupt our natural flow in becoming bomb ass friends. you really my potna’. the support is genuine. the laughter is real. the time is memorable. my heart smiles for all your wins. you get me when most wont. if we disagree it is respectful. we laugh so much. it cleans my chakras. all of this to say thank you for being a true friend to me.
enough of the mushy shit lol but nah for real, you my mufuckin’ nigga. thank you for accepting me as me. it’s means a lot.
with peace & love
i wonder what he looks like. smells like. kisses. hugs. cuddles with me. joke with me. encourage me to keep going when i fear completing a task. his smile. his teeth. will he have a beard? what about tattoos? any piercings? what about his hair? does he even have any. his height. his build.
i wonder how he grew up. how does he connect with his family. is he family oriented? wonder what ours will look like. will he love with his all? has he witnessed love? does he love him? how will it feel to be so in love with someone who loves their own self. i wonder how will he express his love. will it be loud & extra or soft & gentle… maybe a combination of both.
i wonder will we dance around the house to classic r&b cuts. will he rap all the lyrics to my ratchet rap music. will he send me songs that remind him of me? will he sing off key to brighten my day. i wonder will he even appreciate music as i do. wonder if he plays any instruments. can we be the old couple two stepping in the club as we mature.
with time how beautiful will the love will grow. will he be gentle when my problems appear? will he share his true mental health with me? wonder how beautiful it will be to feel safe & trust each other with our fears. the beauty in being able to ugly cry together & still see beauty before you.
i wonder what he laughs like. how does it sound. is it soulful? i wonder how will he sleep. will he watch me sleep. to feel him crawl in the bed with me to end our day. to pray together. to rest & be at true peace with one another. how amazing the sex will be. to know that the thought of us together in the most passionate affectionate way will send sweet sensations to groins. to do. bite. sweat. moan sweet nothings. who will get the towel.
i wonder what it would feel like to really feel love. to see love when i look at you. to feel the internal joy within. to share energy with you. how your protection will comfort my heart & spirit. i may annoy you or you may not get enough of me…
just sometimes i wonder how that experience will be to meet my sanctuary. my soulmate. my real love.
peace & blessings
this place is sacred. it is the place where i escape. it is where the sun always shines. it’s where the air is fresh & crisp. it is where i can let my hair down & be free. i can shout. i can praise. i can cry. i can allow my concerns to go heard & understood. not to be judged just understood for my experience within this existence. a place where i can pray. where i feel safe. i feel protected. i feel observed. cared for & catered to.
when life seems to be placing all that it can on your plate, i come here to escape it all. where the showers of life can’t ruin this space. where love comes natural. it’s kind. gentle. understanding. accountable. fair. fun. & unpredictable in the best ways. where smiles make your heart flutter. where kisses make you melt. where laughter comes naturally from the gut. where even on your worst days you are safe here.
you learn in this space. you grow in this space. you learn compromise here. you learn appreciation. you learn the true meaning of love to you here. here is where you learn to define your life on your terms. here is where you feel.
one of the greatest lessons maybe learned here. transparency. honesty. allowing that light to truly shine & not allowing it to be dimmed. a place where nothing but happiness, peace, joy, & love exist.
to be called this is an honor.
with peace & love
let’s talk about sex. no really let’s talk about it.
from my experience it’s one of my favorite acts to participate in. remember this is judgment free, so if that statement placed distaste in your thoughts, just stop here because don’t ruin your own day or mine with projecting & societies labels ☺️
yes but back on the topic at hand, sex. what is it that’s so special about this act? what makes it feel so good? what makes it so unacceptable & dare not any speak on?
some individuals are just strangely uncomfortable with the conversation & i can understand. i welcome the conversation at most times. i feel that the communication of the subject can maximize the experience for all involved. not saying go for whatever someone suggest, to have your limits is fair & to be expected. remember it is to be enjoyed for all involved.
ask questions. yes as taboo as it may sound, asking questions, talking about what someone may like is beneficial & informative to all parties. if you like to have someone spit in your mouth say so. if you feel that’s a no for you then simply state that is nothing that you are interested in. don’t judge. don’t patronize them. just understand & appreciate everyone has their own kinks.
my belief is that once we all begin to understand that we all are made up of multiple complex layers, is when we will begin to remove the judgment & labels. but back to the conversation.
embrace your pleasures & share them with those that you choose to share & enjoy them with. if you like it slow & gentle say so. if you want to start slow then speed it up, say it proudly. if you prefer a variety of things share those pleasures. if you like a smack on the ass or slight choking it’s okay nothing is wrong. if you like sexting or videos or different forms of foreplay, sharing is caring.
just enjoy yourself every time you choose to share your time, energy, talents & effort with someone in a sexual manner. this is solely my opinion/advice in regards to someone you feel comfortable with & you have that level communication & transparency to where you want to share those things with. because if you don’t have those things, what is the purpose of the sex if it can’t be maximized to its fullest potential?
with that being said, get laid with pleasure. safely 😉
with peace & love,
as every day is a blessed day which makes them good because i could be missing this opportunity, however i realized how alone i am…
as i am going through this transition in life, i am realizing how lonely it can be. yes there are days when you are sitting in your room or wherever you lounge, you realize no one is there but you. it feels a bit empty. those days make you wonder what is it?
do not get your girl wrong by any means, i enjoy myself when i am alone but i have days where i miss “the relationship”. when even if i ain’t doing nothing, there is someone to do nothing with. to have pointless conversations just to laugh & talk shit. to watch something & no one knows the outcome so it’s anticipation the entire time, or simply someone who is there, no matter what for you…. yeah missing shit i ain’t ever had (crazy huh? lol) but it’s honest.
to hear people complain about the woes is one thing (which a lot of y’all need to leave that man sis) but for those who just have harmless spats, it’s like yeah it’s annoying but be thankful that someone is showing up & though they miss the mark at times, at least they are showing up & putting forth the work to have a healthy resolution to any disputes between the two of you.
in my alone season, it made me reconstruct so much about me. it makes you defensive & fearful because you want to prepare yourself so that you can avoid situations & individuals who didn’t show up, those who didn’t put in the work, & those who find it so easy to quit on you with no effort in trying to make things work or place them in a healthier space. it makes you wonder was i that lonely, that yearning, that needing of love that i just accepted anything or all actions that internally damaged my emotional heart? did i need it that bad that i honesty lost myself trying to maintain what i knew was beyond repair? was it that serious that i questioned who i was & what i offered just to be “validated” by someone who doesn’t even show me the same love, respect, & effort? stop carrying loads for people who won’t pick up anything for you.
each & every day is an opportunity to heal, to grow, to blossom, & to give the universe positive loving energy back. growth is hard & often a lot of time is spent alone. you will lose people & that is okay. trust me it sounds easy to say, living through those aches is hell but just know each day you grow & it hurts just a little less. don’t allow anyone or anything keep you tied to things that effect your peace, happiness, & health(mental, physical, spiritual, or emotional).
don’t fear being alone though. surround yourself with reciprocal love that is judgment free. isolate yourself to acknowledge the root of pains, embrace & accept them as they are (because they have already happened). allow them to be reminders but not to define who you are (because that’s in your hands). know that better & brighter days come!!! (don’t allow thoughts about things that have already occurred to steal your day or days from you). MAXIMIZE EACH SECOND OF EACH DAY!!!
this shit ain’t easy at all. struggling daily but i am blessed. grace, mercy, favor, & the higher being energies are with me & for that every day is a good day & for that i am thankful. truly.
with peace & love 💙
let’s just say these are better days…
i have been enjoying myself here lately. i am finding peace & happiness in my “mess”. like i don’t have this shit called “life” together at all, but what i do know is i smile more. laugh more. feel more. like i can actually feel the breeze in the atmosphere. i feel my mind opening just a little bit more. i realize it is a better feeling to know that you are honestly & authentically being yourself. like a freedom. having the ability to not feel chained to enjoy & to feed your own internal peace & happiness. to know that i can exist with or without you. knowing that i am ultimately in control & i have to move for what is best for me but also what feels good to me. appreciating that there are no real losses in life (well except for time) but you gain & learn valuable lessons. to know that being alone can be whole & fulfilling. to be comfortable with stating what you want out of your existence & being okay to lose those who can not provide you with what your cup needs.
i feel like a flower in the spring. new life. new existence with new lenses. every day does not come with sunshine but even on those days you are thankful for the growth. thankful for the ability to let things go & move on with your life & not feeling guilty about it. to be free mentally of all the toxic ties that individuals & society can/have place/d on you. to just think as clearly as possible, acknowledging all options & outcomes, accepting them either way, & making the choice. learn from each & every one of those. they teach you. no bullshit. they really do, just pay close attention to the moves being made. it’s really all a video game but gotta pick the right characters for you & the type of game you want to play. (no drama for me).
all of that rambling just to say that i feel that i am getting a glimpse at peace. i am feeling & witnessing the manifestation of things that i have prayed for & the energy i have sent out into the universe.
currently life is good thanks be to the almighty. i send this energy, vibration, & all the other good stuff out to the rest of you as well. free yourself of the mental ties/chains that you have with things/people & focus on a genuinely happier, healthier, & more peaceful you!
with nothing but peace & love 💙
let’s just be honest this won’t be that heart felt shit that a guy would want to hear but it’s filled with love because these are my true thoughts. this guy. i mean what do you say about him? he was literally a dream that had me captured. felt so theatrical to me. like fight make up be in “love” just to fight again. weren’t that many happy days there. happy moments because of the beauty i painted in my mind. it was like i wanted to feel this love so bad i was willing to die for it. i shrunk for the yearning of really wanting to be loved & to be done with the former life i had that lacked love & affection. comfort & stability. feeling wanted. yeah i thought i had all that & that all these things were things of the pass so when we are married & i show these others girls this how you get him by forgiveness & holding him down when he fucks up. yeah i really thought i was doing some shit here. but i wasn’t. i was breaking my heart, allowing my insecurities to show, be vulnerable in front of a deceiver. thinking that i was safe with him that i could be the naked me with him. but when i would, it wasn’t acceptable. it was judged. it was attacked. it was like a curse. i feared that i had to censor everything i say. feeling that what i once thought was happiness & freedom was what now felt like a prison then. it was as if was some trophy. pretty display for when you want to swing your dick in someone’s face but not ever set up for all to see. i felt like a secret from the people he loved while i tried to expose him to mine. thinking that those signs were okay. but what i can say is that he taught me the most beautiful love story. the love story with me falling in love with me. yes he taught me that. forever grateful. now i see him for who is he because actions speak. i wish him well though. hopefully one day he will see his faults & embrace them & vow to do better because being aware of that hurt is one that you should want to avoid giving again at all costs. i feel sad for this guy because he may never get fulfilled by living this assumed life that is accepted by others but denies his true happiness. it’s quite sad. maybe love with self for him comes & he is able to really do the work that can be done in order to live the best life for him & it’s authentic…
random rambling thoughts lol i just sit back & think how blessed i am to have weathered that storm & now i have the light in me
i always must do what’s best for me. though it may not be the thing i want to do, i do it to keep my peace. i have allowed myself to recognize over time that my peace of mind is more valuable than a relationship with anyone. it’s my obligation to satisfy myself & fulfill my own happiness, love, joy, & peace. anything that causes interference with my home frequency must be removed. if you cannot respect the terms of my balance then you must go. doesn’t change how i feel for you but it will change every way that i deal with you. because nothing or no one is worth the peace that i have prayed for & truly been blessed with…