hey. here i go…

where have i been…

it’s been a minute so let me see if i still got it…

in truth, i been living life. it’s a lot that has been happening & i been making my way through it as best as i can. i can say that this time of life in the last few months has shown me that just when i think that i have mastered something it is taught to me at another level that requires me to be better than i was before. to rise above my ego even more. like oh brother here we go…

i have to take responsibility & say that i have made this commitment to myself. better myself daily. approach life in a manner that allows you to embrace the harsh cold reality but to still find the beauty & peace within.

with all that comes vulnerability. when i say it is so terrifying yet rewarding in its own beautiful ways. if you’re anything like me, confrontation isn’t my thing because i always am attempting to mindful of how i speak. because i am aware that words mean things. so i attempt to mean what i say. sometimes i fail, but it provides me a lesson & strength going forward. so when i confront anything or address it i have to expose my “crazy”. my insecurities. my past. my shame.

trust me love, it is ass in every way. most times i am met with disregard. excuses. disrespect. aggression. avoidance.

talk about shit. like here i go, exposing who i am to be met with that… truthfully avoiding it & letting it go is instant response. just to avoid the confrontation. even more so to avoid showing my emotions. my feelings. the fact that i really cared. & to be met like that. shit feels like a different level of hurt.

but i have learned that the response to avoid it does not teach me or better me anyway. not saying that things have to be worked out or reconciled but gaining an understanding of what actually happened & going forward how to approach or discontinue the kinship is always helpful. it is not at all necessary. sometimes it won’t be available to you. at times you have to make peace within & continue to be a better you.

it has been a struggle. i have never craved sleep so much in my life honey!! but as life turns & continues, daily finding balance & peace. tinkering with ideas but remaining as honest & transparent with myself. when i do it with self it transcends in all relationships i have. which is beautiful & a blessing to me. hopefully it inspires or sparks something within those i encounter.

so that’s where i been. hopefully all who have taken the time to read this are blessed in all aspects of life & you continue to grow as the beautiful energies you are.

peace. love. joy. blessings. happiness.

-deja 💙

rainy thoughts

as every day is a blessed day which makes them good because i could be missing this opportunity, however i realized how alone i am…

as i am going through this transition in life, i am realizing how lonely it can be. yes there are days when you are sitting in your room or wherever you lounge, you realize no one is there but you. it feels a bit empty. those days make you wonder what is it?

do not get your girl wrong by any means, i enjoy myself when i am alone but i have days where i miss “the relationship”. when even if i ain’t doing nothing, there is someone to do nothing with. to have pointless conversations just to laugh & talk shit. to watch something & no one knows the outcome so it’s anticipation the entire time, or simply someone who is there, no matter what for you…. yeah missing shit i ain’t ever had (crazy huh? lol) but it’s honest.

to hear people complain about the woes is one thing (which a lot of y’all need to leave that man sis) but for those who just have harmless spats, it’s like yeah it’s annoying but be thankful that someone is showing up & though they miss the mark at times, at least they are showing up & putting forth the work to have a healthy resolution to any disputes between the two of you.

in my alone season, it made me reconstruct so much about me. it makes you defensive & fearful because you want to prepare yourself so that you can avoid situations & individuals who didn’t show up, those who didn’t put in the work, & those who find it so easy to quit on you with no effort in trying to make things work or place them in a healthier space. it makes you wonder was i that lonely, that yearning, that needing of love that i just accepted anything or all actions that internally damaged my emotional heart? did i need it that bad that i honesty lost myself trying to maintain what i knew was beyond repair? was it that serious that i questioned who i was & what i offered just to be “validated” by someone who doesn’t even show me the same love, respect, & effort? stop carrying loads for people who won’t pick up anything for you.

each & every day is an opportunity to heal, to grow, to blossom, & to give the universe positive loving energy back. growth is hard & often a lot of time is spent alone. you will lose people & that is okay. trust me it sounds easy to say, living through those aches is hell but just know each day you grow & it hurts just a little less. don’t allow anyone or anything keep you tied to things that effect your peace, happiness, & health(mental, physical, spiritual, or emotional).

don’t fear being alone though. surround yourself with reciprocal love that is judgment free. isolate yourself to acknowledge the root of pains, embrace & accept them as they are (because they have already happened). allow them to be reminders but not to define who you are (because that’s in your hands). know that better & brighter days come!!! (don’t allow thoughts about things that have already occurred to steal your day or days from you). MAXIMIZE EACH SECOND OF EACH DAY!!!

this shit ain’t easy at all. struggling daily but i am blessed. grace, mercy, favor, & the higher being energies are with me & for that every day is a good day & for that i am thankful. truly.

with peace & love 💙