journal entry 5/18…

i feel like i’m dying…

today.. well most of the week, but especially today i took some well needed time & honesty to reflect. once i made it to the destination. i made the discovery. i feel like i’m dying. do not be alarm nor worry. just follow me as i explain.

i had been dancing with my mind. the stories it tells me. the reality of something’s. allowing logic to be an excuse because i can relate more than forcing the confrontation of holding someone accountable so that they maybe able to reflect on your actions. allowing myself to be what everyone needed. but i can’t figure out what i need from me.

then i think. how do they see me? who am i? some see me in the best light. thank y’all who see me in that manner. especially those who do so accepting flaws & all. for others not too bad not too joyous. then there are those who just put the label on you as bad/toxic & move on. i wonder why that matters to us, well to me. as much as one can say that it doesn’t. it does. especially when it’s coming from someone we value & love.

from there thought more about my actions. am i living how i want? or have i become consumed by society norms & others value systems & morals? am i doing this so no one will have nothing to say? to keep my body count down? (haha). am i doing it to impress or really express myself? like what is it…

the more i thought. i sadder i became. because i felt so guilty for being myself. as much as i think i communicate myself honestly & effectively. don’t forget the more optimistic side of the road kinda girl. but i have flaws. i avoid certain conversations to avoid confrontation. i hate the energy of how something simple becomes so big & can’t even be discussed because too much ego & pride. not enough honesty, communication, & accountability.

i am quick to say fuck it. or this won’t/work or last. but truly somethings i want that for. but you become accustomed to what you know, accept, & settle for. i wanted to be so empty & cold you could get frostbite from being near me. but honestly my love, concern, & care runs deep & is real. especially when it comes to those i love. i can be clingy but i understand space is needed & desired. i care to know who you really are. love to communicate all day with you if i can. i want to trust & feel safe with those who i invite into my life. i hate that people take advantage of that side because they won’t take the time to see me. they only see me how they want me to be for them.

it’s hard to forgive yourself for what you didn’t know. feels even worse when you knew but you allowed yourself to believe things for your own selfish gain. it’s a process but an exhausting one but process nonetheless.

it feels like i’m dying because i don’t feel how i once felt. i’m only doing things to impress myself. i going to be me. live. out loud. in color. because i choose to do so. if you can journey with me as i take another journey with myself, i truly welcome the real love & acceptance. by all means share it with me. if it’s a bit much, it’s okay no pressure. but the old me has to die. so i can become the better woman that i desire to be ☺️

just getting out these quarantine thoughts while healing some wounds. hopefully it’s inspiring or entertaining. may peace & love be with you 💙

deja

hey. here i go…

where have i been…

it’s been a minute so let me see if i still got it…

in truth, i been living life. it’s a lot that has been happening & i been making my way through it as best as i can. i can say that this time of life in the last few months has shown me that just when i think that i have mastered something it is taught to me at another level that requires me to be better than i was before. to rise above my ego even more. like oh brother here we go…

i have to take responsibility & say that i have made this commitment to myself. better myself daily. approach life in a manner that allows you to embrace the harsh cold reality but to still find the beauty & peace within.

with all that comes vulnerability. when i say it is so terrifying yet rewarding in its own beautiful ways. if you’re anything like me, confrontation isn’t my thing because i always am attempting to mindful of how i speak. because i am aware that words mean things. so i attempt to mean what i say. sometimes i fail, but it provides me a lesson & strength going forward. so when i confront anything or address it i have to expose my “crazy”. my insecurities. my past. my shame.

trust me love, it is ass in every way. most times i am met with disregard. excuses. disrespect. aggression. avoidance.

talk about shit. like here i go, exposing who i am to be met with that… truthfully avoiding it & letting it go is instant response. just to avoid the confrontation. even more so to avoid showing my emotions. my feelings. the fact that i really cared. & to be met like that. shit feels like a different level of hurt.

but i have learned that the response to avoid it does not teach me or better me anyway. not saying that things have to be worked out or reconciled but gaining an understanding of what actually happened & going forward how to approach or discontinue the kinship is always helpful. it is not at all necessary. sometimes it won’t be available to you. at times you have to make peace within & continue to be a better you.

it has been a struggle. i have never craved sleep so much in my life honey!! but as life turns & continues, daily finding balance & peace. tinkering with ideas but remaining as honest & transparent with myself. when i do it with self it transcends in all relationships i have. which is beautiful & a blessing to me. hopefully it inspires or sparks something within those i encounter.

so that’s where i been. hopefully all who have taken the time to read this are blessed in all aspects of life & you continue to grow as the beautiful energies you are.

peace. love. joy. blessings. happiness.

-deja 💙

hopefully this finds you well…

..how do i begin this… to be honest i’m in a state of shock & appreciation. & it feels really amazing. with the decade & year closing out, so much internal self auditing has been occurring within myself just to see where i am & how i feel.
i have learned a lot about myself & it’s beautiful in its own way. knowing that leads me in a direction of creating & maintaining relationships that allow my unique beauty to be admired, possibly inspired. but not judged.
learning & practicing to be vulnerable & honest. separating my ego from what is reality. understanding that if truth is to be obtained, be prepared. because it comes unfiltered. & that’s okay. processing feelings & emotions from the inner child. learning that forgiveness, acceptance, & moving on is more freeing than one will know.
it’s been a lot. shit. grab the drinks & cannabis & celebrate to overcoming all placed before us. i’m so happy & proud of how far not only myself but those who surround me have come. knowing that we support one another & value the friendships we’ve made is so refreshing. to know that you have a tribe that supports you warms the heart.
so love openly, freely, & happily. express it in the manners that work for you two. live for you. not the opinions or suggestions of others. live for your happiness. be considerate of those you love & who love you in return. self love is key. learn to enjoy your own company.
define what is love in your own terms. share those words when you find yourself feeling them with whomever. appreciate peace & learn that most things that interfere with it are not worth the hassle.
so hopefully this finds you well & it gives you something…
much love
many blessings
deja

…from the ground up

this was a place i knew. i have lived here so long & it is what i felt to have known. this was a place i called home.

it had weathered the storms of life i tell you. some of the paint is chipped. there are minor damages accumulated along the way. but the foundation is where the root of the problem lied.

it was the cause of a lot of the damage. thinking that i could patch it with quick fix after quick fix. to only accumulate more damage & loss of value along the way.

but the day that i stood firm & told myself the truth. i then knew that i had to let the entire home go. starting with the foundation or the damages. either way the structure could no longer exist.

the struggle it is to rebuild what you thought was the dream home is exhausting. because now you see the real work that it takes to build it literally from the ground up. but the work is worthy of the exhaustion.

to understand the land & foundation is key. then you begin to create the structure that will soon be your new home. the one that is exactly how you imaged it. filled with love, passion, happiness, work, & peace.

to then have the opportunity to stand back & admire your new home. the thing that you are most proud of. something that was crafted & created by you. though others can add things to it, if you allow. knowing that it is still yours if them & their trinkets have are no longer desired is a beautiful feeling. this home has a value that cannot be counted in your eyes.

admire & love your homes. do some renovations if need be. but be sure to take care of home.

with peace, love, & many blessings

💙 deja

…the ghetto…

parenting yourself has got to be the toughest shit i have experienced. for me, parenting yourself is knowing you need to accomplish this because you’ve committed to this & not allowing your thoughts or ego cloud the commitment. yeah i know bullshit.

it’s telling yourself go to the gym, not to lose weight to physically appeal to other people but because you know that you need regular physical activity in your life in order to be healthy, if that’s a goal. it’s telling yourself ease up on the soda because you know you body flourishes & benefits off water. it’s telling yourself it’s okay to say no because you know that something does not feel good or right to you & being at peace with your no.

you see all the shit you have to be mindful of when parenting yourself? i take my hat off to those who choose to be parents because not only do you have to be mindful of yourself but the innocent life that you have to love in nurture in a chaotic world while still showing them beauty in the smallest things. i commend the people who are aware enough within themselves to respectfully say that is not a journey they want to experience in life. parenting yourself is accepting the consequences of your actions. not blaming anyone but accepting the part you played.

so to all my adults who are out here trying to enjoy the life that we have, experience joys in a manner that are within the realm of your peace, just remember that it comes with the beauty of parenting yourself. have fun. be honest to yourself without the opinion of anyone clouding your judge & knowing that your decisions are a reflection of you. not your family or friends. start living life based on who you are. those who love you truly will always love you because they will never judge you for being you. (yes they will have their opinion because you know people. but they will not abandon you for that). so live. parent. be honest. be happy.

with peace & blessings

💙 deja

what is it…?

is it truly a desire to be alone or is it avoiding the emotional connection due to past trauma?
… to be honest for myself it’s a bit of both. now on your average day after a long day at work then to turn around & possibly workout or run errands or cook dinner, peace & quiet & consuming entertainment that i enjoy alone does not bother me in the slightest. it is my space to relax & release anything that may have been dancing in & out of my thoughts throughout the day. i almost shouted because to truly enjoy your own company is a great joy for me. (just know internally a hallelujah was shouted)
now as much as i love to be alone & mind my own fucking business & tend to my own internal battles, there are times where i do find myself avoiding emotional or even conversations where interest is present. part of it is due to choices in men from the past that did not turn out to be favorable & placed this hella defensive wall around my feelings. i try not to hold others accountable for others actions but once i see something similar behavior in you or just see the lack of effort, i am kind but defensive. (trust me working on this is difficult)
outside of these men having me fucked up (kidding kidding 🙃) I just feel that i am not prepared to share my emotional space with anyone. expressing your issues to someone & expecting them to understand & be mindful of how they handle you with care seems so far fetched. maybe it’s the area. the people. either way seems as if wanting honesty, communication, comprehension, commitment, & transparency is like wanting a unicorn. but why should wanting those qualities plus finding one another attractive so hard?
i often remind myself that there is time to find that & to be patient. secure myself on my own. then because i overthink a lot (another task to tackle) i think is there enough time? how does it really play out? do i get the unicorn? see the overthinking thing lol
so yes it’s a combination of things but the main relationship that i am cultivating is the one with myself. once securing that relationship flaws & all & acceptance, you are unstoppable.
hopefully this helps you in one way or another or inspire you to have the conversation with yourself.
with love,
deja 💙
*peace & blessings loves 😘

summer summer summertime…

it’s that special time of the year. summer. it literally brings its own energy. well at least for me personally. seeing everyone let their hair down. vibing. grooving through the streets. those late nights that feel like they are filled with magic & all your fantasies are coming true.

that breath of fresh air. like even when things feel & seem rough the summer sun & energy allows you to deal with it & continue to move on because you realize there is so much more to go. this season does at times bring an end to a legacy. mend some relationships. explore some new ones.

to feel young & free. to kiss the stranger that gives you butterflies from the party that you end up on the phone with all night because you feel you have found the one. to have sex in a warm summer rain without a care or worry in the world in that moment. to enjoy the ability to be naked before those that you love & not be shame or insecure.

to dance to the music of life. to drink or smoke & enjoy yourself responsibly & to check on those that you enjoyed the night with. to wake up with mad wild ass stories & moments where memory is distorted. to laugh at all the silly shit you did. to not be judged but embraced. to celebrate.

encourage the hood rat shit. or the good girl thing. to be on a spiritual journey. to live in the moment. to stick to the plan or to just say fuck it let’s do what we do. to feel. to enjoy. to laugh. to make memories. to capture the moments by photo. to just enjoy how good things feel on the longer days.

this time of year has stolen my heart for its own magical purposes. hope that you get a chance to experience this. to feel like every day is a great day & to make moments last forever within your heart.

enjoy your summer. enjoy your people. most importantly enjoy yourself & be your happy.

with peace & love

deja💙