journal entry 5/18…

i feel like i’m dying…

today.. well most of the week, but especially today i took some well needed time & honesty to reflect. once i made it to the destination. i made the discovery. i feel like i’m dying. do not be alarm nor worry. just follow me as i explain.

i had been dancing with my mind. the stories it tells me. the reality of something’s. allowing logic to be an excuse because i can relate more than forcing the confrontation of holding someone accountable so that they maybe able to reflect on your actions. allowing myself to be what everyone needed. but i can’t figure out what i need from me.

then i think. how do they see me? who am i? some see me in the best light. thank y’all who see me in that manner. especially those who do so accepting flaws & all. for others not too bad not too joyous. then there are those who just put the label on you as bad/toxic & move on. i wonder why that matters to us, well to me. as much as one can say that it doesn’t. it does. especially when it’s coming from someone we value & love.

from there thought more about my actions. am i living how i want? or have i become consumed by society norms & others value systems & morals? am i doing this so no one will have nothing to say? to keep my body count down? (haha). am i doing it to impress or really express myself? like what is it…

the more i thought. i sadder i became. because i felt so guilty for being myself. as much as i think i communicate myself honestly & effectively. don’t forget the more optimistic side of the road kinda girl. but i have flaws. i avoid certain conversations to avoid confrontation. i hate the energy of how something simple becomes so big & can’t even be discussed because too much ego & pride. not enough honesty, communication, & accountability.

i am quick to say fuck it. or this won’t/work or last. but truly somethings i want that for. but you become accustomed to what you know, accept, & settle for. i wanted to be so empty & cold you could get frostbite from being near me. but honestly my love, concern, & care runs deep & is real. especially when it comes to those i love. i can be clingy but i understand space is needed & desired. i care to know who you really are. love to communicate all day with you if i can. i want to trust & feel safe with those who i invite into my life. i hate that people take advantage of that side because they won’t take the time to see me. they only see me how they want me to be for them.

it’s hard to forgive yourself for what you didn’t know. feels even worse when you knew but you allowed yourself to believe things for your own selfish gain. it’s a process but an exhausting one but process nonetheless.

it feels like i’m dying because i don’t feel how i once felt. i’m only doing things to impress myself. i going to be me. live. out loud. in color. because i choose to do so. if you can journey with me as i take another journey with myself, i truly welcome the real love & acceptance. by all means share it with me. if it’s a bit much, it’s okay no pressure. but the old me has to die. so i can become the better woman that i desire to be ☺️

just getting out these quarantine thoughts while healing some wounds. hopefully it’s inspiring or entertaining. may peace & love be with you 💙

deja

hey. here i go…

where have i been…

it’s been a minute so let me see if i still got it…

in truth, i been living life. it’s a lot that has been happening & i been making my way through it as best as i can. i can say that this time of life in the last few months has shown me that just when i think that i have mastered something it is taught to me at another level that requires me to be better than i was before. to rise above my ego even more. like oh brother here we go…

i have to take responsibility & say that i have made this commitment to myself. better myself daily. approach life in a manner that allows you to embrace the harsh cold reality but to still find the beauty & peace within.

with all that comes vulnerability. when i say it is so terrifying yet rewarding in its own beautiful ways. if you’re anything like me, confrontation isn’t my thing because i always am attempting to mindful of how i speak. because i am aware that words mean things. so i attempt to mean what i say. sometimes i fail, but it provides me a lesson & strength going forward. so when i confront anything or address it i have to expose my “crazy”. my insecurities. my past. my shame.

trust me love, it is ass in every way. most times i am met with disregard. excuses. disrespect. aggression. avoidance.

talk about shit. like here i go, exposing who i am to be met with that… truthfully avoiding it & letting it go is instant response. just to avoid the confrontation. even more so to avoid showing my emotions. my feelings. the fact that i really cared. & to be met like that. shit feels like a different level of hurt.

but i have learned that the response to avoid it does not teach me or better me anyway. not saying that things have to be worked out or reconciled but gaining an understanding of what actually happened & going forward how to approach or discontinue the kinship is always helpful. it is not at all necessary. sometimes it won’t be available to you. at times you have to make peace within & continue to be a better you.

it has been a struggle. i have never craved sleep so much in my life honey!! but as life turns & continues, daily finding balance & peace. tinkering with ideas but remaining as honest & transparent with myself. when i do it with self it transcends in all relationships i have. which is beautiful & a blessing to me. hopefully it inspires or sparks something within those i encounter.

so that’s where i been. hopefully all who have taken the time to read this are blessed in all aspects of life & you continue to grow as the beautiful energies you are.

peace. love. joy. blessings. happiness.

-deja 💙

something for the homies…

i just had the comforting feeling of i know i am moving in a beautiful direction. having dinners with my friends helped me to realize that.
it’s so important (i believe) to surround yourself with genuine people who love you & embrace you at all times. those people who don’t judge. those who rather tell you about the painful life lessons than to witness you experience it (nah gotta break my own heart lol but thanks for the warning). those who you laugh for hours with & internally feel your spirit jump with glee & joy. those who will be there when you are at your low & will sit with you while the tears fall but also will not allow you to stay in that place too long.
when you think it can’t get any better, then y’all pour life into one another. (mini praise break). to have friends who surround you & pour into you that affirm things that you feel but to hear them spoken & have not mentioned it to them will hit different. to be in-tune with them spiritually that sometimes words are truly not needed at times to communicate with them. to feel safe & secure no matter how bad times maybe they don’t fold nor bend.
to have those who not only acknowledge but respect the boundaries that you set for your mental space & do not try to change your view. true enough they will give an opinion but that’s people but they accept the choices you make for your life. they will send good intentions into the universe for you. they will encourage the positive in life & not dwell on the negative. they give life a refreshing breeze.
to all my friends that have seen me in all the dysfunctional stages of life & emotion (yuck lol kidding) thus far, i want to thank you for not only being what i need you to be (which is yourself) but for all that we share. from conversations, laughs, tears, joys, hurt, & victories. you all add something extra to this life i have & i thank you, love you, & most importantly appreciate you.
hopefully this inspires you to reflect or start a conversation. who knows but hopefully it brings a smile & some peace.
with peace & blessings
love deja 💙

what is it…?

is it truly a desire to be alone or is it avoiding the emotional connection due to past trauma?
… to be honest for myself it’s a bit of both. now on your average day after a long day at work then to turn around & possibly workout or run errands or cook dinner, peace & quiet & consuming entertainment that i enjoy alone does not bother me in the slightest. it is my space to relax & release anything that may have been dancing in & out of my thoughts throughout the day. i almost shouted because to truly enjoy your own company is a great joy for me. (just know internally a hallelujah was shouted)
now as much as i love to be alone & mind my own fucking business & tend to my own internal battles, there are times where i do find myself avoiding emotional or even conversations where interest is present. part of it is due to choices in men from the past that did not turn out to be favorable & placed this hella defensive wall around my feelings. i try not to hold others accountable for others actions but once i see something similar behavior in you or just see the lack of effort, i am kind but defensive. (trust me working on this is difficult)
outside of these men having me fucked up (kidding kidding 🙃) I just feel that i am not prepared to share my emotional space with anyone. expressing your issues to someone & expecting them to understand & be mindful of how they handle you with care seems so far fetched. maybe it’s the area. the people. either way seems as if wanting honesty, communication, comprehension, commitment, & transparency is like wanting a unicorn. but why should wanting those qualities plus finding one another attractive so hard?
i often remind myself that there is time to find that & to be patient. secure myself on my own. then because i overthink a lot (another task to tackle) i think is there enough time? how does it really play out? do i get the unicorn? see the overthinking thing lol
so yes it’s a combination of things but the main relationship that i am cultivating is the one with myself. once securing that relationship flaws & all & acceptance, you are unstoppable.
hopefully this helps you in one way or another or inspire you to have the conversation with yourself.
with love,
deja 💙
*peace & blessings loves 😘

summer summer summertime…

it’s that special time of the year. summer. it literally brings its own energy. well at least for me personally. seeing everyone let their hair down. vibing. grooving through the streets. those late nights that feel like they are filled with magic & all your fantasies are coming true.

that breath of fresh air. like even when things feel & seem rough the summer sun & energy allows you to deal with it & continue to move on because you realize there is so much more to go. this season does at times bring an end to a legacy. mend some relationships. explore some new ones.

to feel young & free. to kiss the stranger that gives you butterflies from the party that you end up on the phone with all night because you feel you have found the one. to have sex in a warm summer rain without a care or worry in the world in that moment. to enjoy the ability to be naked before those that you love & not be shame or insecure.

to dance to the music of life. to drink or smoke & enjoy yourself responsibly & to check on those that you enjoyed the night with. to wake up with mad wild ass stories & moments where memory is distorted. to laugh at all the silly shit you did. to not be judged but embraced. to celebrate.

encourage the hood rat shit. or the good girl thing. to be on a spiritual journey. to live in the moment. to stick to the plan or to just say fuck it let’s do what we do. to feel. to enjoy. to laugh. to make memories. to capture the moments by photo. to just enjoy how good things feel on the longer days.

this time of year has stolen my heart for its own magical purposes. hope that you get a chance to experience this. to feel like every day is a great day & to make moments last forever within your heart.

enjoy your summer. enjoy your people. most importantly enjoy yourself & be your happy.

with peace & love

deja💙

something…

“how do i start this? mind everywhere other than where it needs to be. maybe. i guess to envision what you feel will bring you happiness & to believe that you are so close to it & to see it fold like all the others is a blow. you tell yourself to pick yourself up. to smile beyond. to live without. & you do. you smile more & feel better about yourself because you’re not subjecting yourself to voluntarily being mistreated or hurt. but what happens now? do you let go of the vision & settle into the actual reality of being alone? do you keep the yearn within? how do you cope with wanting something that may never come… faith. it’s present but it feels faint. if my faith feels faint then it feels that it won’t be obtained. but do i give it more or less energy? to self care & self love for me is to be vulnerable, transparent, & honest & the honest truth is i know as much as i have experienced up until this moment in time.”

wow i was feeling some feels. the portion up top, is something i started writing mid month & thanks be something in my spirit told me to hold off. as i read those words today, that feeling was not the worse nor the best but more of me battling with accepting that being vulnerable comes with its own weight. it builds you up & allows you to live a little more fearless but the bumps & bruises along the way don’t always feel good. i can say in such a short time, i have started to stand in the sun of vulnerability. it ain’t always sunny but there is always guaranteed sunshine. peace & relaxation. internally that’s how i feel too. hopefully this inspires you to step into the sun more often. own how you feel & express it in healthy manners. commitment to a better me has bettered me personally in so many ways & hopefully you began or enjoy the journey.

with peace & love

💙 deja

those rainy thoughts…

i wonder what he looks like. smells like. kisses. hugs. cuddles with me. joke with me. encourage me to keep going when i fear completing a task. his smile. his teeth. will he have a beard? what about tattoos? any piercings? what about his hair? does he even have any. his height. his build.

i wonder how he grew up. how does he connect with his family. is he family oriented? wonder what ours will look like. will he love with his all? has he witnessed love? does he love him? how will it feel to be so in love with someone who loves their own self. i wonder how will he express his love. will it be loud & extra or soft & gentle… maybe a combination of both.

i wonder will we dance around the house to classic r&b cuts. will he rap all the lyrics to my ratchet rap music. will he send me songs that remind him of me? will he sing off key to brighten my day. i wonder will he even appreciate music as i do. wonder if he plays any instruments. can we be the old couple two stepping in the club as we mature.

with time how beautiful will the love will grow. will he be gentle when my problems appear? will he share his true mental health with me? wonder how beautiful it will be to feel safe & trust each other with our fears. the beauty in being able to ugly cry together & still see beauty before you.

i wonder what he laughs like. how does it sound. is it soulful? i wonder how will he sleep. will he watch me sleep. to feel him crawl in the bed with me to end our day. to pray together. to rest & be at true peace with one another. how amazing the sex will be. to know that the thought of us together in the most passionate affectionate way will send sweet sensations to groins. to do. bite. sweat. moan sweet nothings. who will get the towel.

i wonder what it would feel like to really feel love. to see love when i look at you. to feel the internal joy within. to share energy with you. how your protection will comfort my heart & spirit. i may annoy you or you may not get enough of me…

just sometimes i wonder how that experience will be to meet my sanctuary. my soulmate. my real love.

with love

peace & blessings

deja 💙